Opening

I like to think that 2017 was the beginning of my accelerated awakening where I began experiencing myself and the world more intimately and often. During 2017 I was actively healing my inner child, which involved working through a lot of stifled emotions and limiting core beliefs.  2018 so far has been about integrating that new love and healing into my life and stepping into my power.

As of recently, I realized that I have entered into a new phase because it feels like the energy in my body has shifted. To be able to assimilate into this new level of love it’s like I have to shed everything. Basically, it feels like I’m getting into the deep remnants of what I need to heal in order to fully step into who I am. And I’m cool with that, I welcome it, but I won’t pretend like it has not been extremely difficult. Many of the changes I have been working on since January have manifested and it’s truly amazing to see in the physical form. However, with that, I’m asked to meet myself in new ways. New and demanding ways. Demanding because it requires that my heart be wide open, and not just mostly open which it has been, but wide open, door off the hinges!

I romanticize this concept. I’m always telling others to remember to live with their hearts open, and while I do this with ease with strangers or friends, I realized that there are parts of me that are still very much closed. I’ve noticed that it is when I am around some family members. I can feel the rise of tension within my body, which leaves me feeling confused, frustrated, and mainly ignored. This isn’t a huge surprise though.  Like most of us, growing up and interacting within family circumstances is where many traumas stem from.  But I was unaware how deep it really was. I started to unpack what it was that my family was showing me. I started to ask why do I feel this way, and why have I ultimately called this into my experience. The rest of this post kind of walks you through what I was mentally processing, which is the “work” that you always hear spiritual people talking about.

I’m attached. My attachment has caused me to cling to the behaviors, and doings of my family members. Some more in particular of course. I get so caught up in thinking that I wish they were like this, or I want them to act this way, or think this way. I want them to confront their projections, the toxicity, and negativity between us and within themselves. I want them to hold each other and myself accountable. But it always seems like no one is interested in that. So the same experiences repeat.

I want them to see me for who I really am and not who they think I am. (I’m the youngest and the only girl and I’m currently 23). My family carries tremendous generational trauma, and I’ve been ( unknowingly) working my ass off trying to combat and heal it all my life. Especially as my mother’s only daughter. When I get around them it allows me to question everything all over again. The the main thing it allows me to question is myself, which technically is all that I can do. I can’t expect anyone to be any kind of way and while I want my family to see the real me I can’t rely on their validation when I’m not open to receive their love in the first place. I am already valid and loved. 

I knew I had a lot of built up anger and hurt but I never realized how much I allowed myself to shut down around them. I get so frustrated like no one understands me or knows how to talk to me. I feel forgotten and left out. But of course, id feel this way if I completely lock myself off. I realized that I’m the “problem” and not to undermine some actual problems that could be addressed, but I am my own problem. They are just showing me myself.  I have to do what I’m asking of others to do. I have to step out without fear into my vulnerability.

At the end of the day, I love my family and wouldn’t trade them or anything I’ve experienced through them. I choose these circumstances for a reason. I’m not here for fun. I’m so soo grateful that I even get to experience this. 

I have to allow the people in my life to be who they are, I can’t force anyone to think or live their life how I choose to live mine. I have to release these attachments so that I can show up as who I am without any walls. So I can be present. This is always so much easier said than done because this isn’t physical. It’s all energetic. and I FEEL everything.

A part of me being more open with my family is also me being more open in general. This is why I’m talking about this. In hopes that maybe someone could relate and can keep pushing as well. Please remember to be gentle and show yourself love and compassion as you uncover your wounds so that you may truly heal.

thanks for being here,

with love

-alle rae

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Author: presentalle

Hi. I'm Allison. A twenty-something, exploring, learning, and loving as presently as I can.

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