Opening

I like to think that 2017 was the beginning of my accelerated awakening where I began experiencing myself and the world more intimately and often. During 2017 I was actively healing my inner child, which involved working through a lot of stifled emotions and limiting core beliefs.  2018 so far has been about integrating that new love and healing into my life and stepping into my power.

As of recently, I realized that I have entered into a new phase because it feels like the energy in my body has shifted. To be able to assimilate into this new level of love it’s like I have to shed everything. Basically, it feels like I’m getting into the deep remnants of what I need to heal in order to fully step into who I am. And I’m cool with that, I welcome it, but I won’t pretend like it has not been extremely difficult. Many of the changes I have been working on since January have manifested and it’s truly amazing to see in the physical form. However, with that, I’m asked to meet myself in new ways. New and demanding ways. Demanding because it requires that my heart be wide open, and not just mostly open which it has been, but wide open, door off the hinges!

I romanticize this concept. I’m always telling others to remember to live with their hearts open, and while I do this with ease with strangers or friends, I realized that there are parts of me that are still very much closed. I’ve noticed that it is when I am around some family members. I can feel the rise of tension within my body, which leaves me feeling confused, frustrated, and mainly ignored. This isn’t a huge surprise though.  Like most of us, growing up and interacting within family circumstances is where many traumas stem from.  But I was unaware how deep it really was. I started to unpack what it was that my family was showing me. I started to ask why do I feel this way, and why have I ultimately called this into my experience. The rest of this post kind of walks you through what I was mentally processing, which is the “work” that you always hear spiritual people talking about.

I’m attached. My attachment has caused me to cling to the behaviors, and doings of my family members. Some more in particular of course. I get so caught up in thinking that I wish they were like this, or I want them to act this way, or think this way. I want them to confront their projections, the toxicity, and negativity between us and within themselves. I want them to hold each other and myself accountable. But it always seems like no one is interested in that. So the same experiences repeat.

I want them to see me for who I really am and not who they think I am. (I’m the youngest and the only girl and I’m currently 23). My family carries tremendous generational trauma, and I’ve been ( unknowingly) working my ass off trying to combat and heal it all my life. Especially as my mother’s only daughter. When I get around them it allows me to question everything all over again. The the main thing it allows me to question is myself, which technically is all that I can do. I can’t expect anyone to be any kind of way and while I want my family to see the real me I can’t rely on their validation when I’m not open to receive their love in the first place. I am already valid and loved. 

I knew I had a lot of built up anger and hurt but I never realized how much I allowed myself to shut down around them. I get so frustrated like no one understands me or knows how to talk to me. I feel forgotten and left out. But of course, id feel this way if I completely lock myself off. I realized that I’m the “problem” and not to undermine some actual problems that could be addressed, but I am my own problem. They are just showing me myself.  I have to do what I’m asking of others to do. I have to step out without fear into my vulnerability.

At the end of the day, I love my family and wouldn’t trade them or anything I’ve experienced through them. I choose these circumstances for a reason. I’m not here for fun. I’m so soo grateful that I even get to experience this. 

I have to allow the people in my life to be who they are, I can’t force anyone to think or live their life how I choose to live mine. I have to release these attachments so that I can show up as who I am without any walls. So I can be present. This is always so much easier said than done because this isn’t physical. It’s all energetic. and I FEEL everything.

A part of me being more open with my family is also me being more open in general. This is why I’m talking about this. In hopes that maybe someone could relate and can keep pushing as well. Please remember to be gentle and show yourself love and compassion as you uncover your wounds so that you may truly heal.

thanks for being here,

with love

-alle rae

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I think you should know

i never really came back from that day

you told me to leave

i remember the way my lungs

held on to my breath as if it were the last time

they were certain I’d breathe

i always breathe again though

i just came to say that I think you should know

i won’t be staying much longer

those times

it’s okay to enjoy where you are and have ambitions to where you want to go. I am learning to take the path of least resistance that my heart lays out for me. Other things talk to me–through me. Sometimes when I’m restless they choose words. I love words and I love them. I write it then leave, and when I return, be it days, weeks, months later their essence lingers in a way I did not notice before and I feel at home. Below is one of those times:

 

handed the keys to a door

to find no lock

the stench of your fears lingers behind

which path will you take home

your frustration is welcomed but cannot stay

what is next

are you willing to be broken open, then come

 

Change Pain

So the other day as I was doing laundry, the nail on my middle finger bent all the way back. It hurt soooo fucking bad.

Eventually (later that day in the shower–because the water was irritating the sore) I started to think about how bodies feel pain. Neurons fire this energy and we feel a physical sensation right? a stinging, a burning, a thumping..

A change occurs. Something was intact a certain way and all of a sudden it broke.

So then, I started to think about how change and pain work emotionally. Most of the pain I encounter, as I feel many others could relate too, is mental and emotional.

This may sound obvious but I really asked myself “If we feel pain when things change physically why not emotionally”and what I was really asking was, “why do we easily accept and understand the change within physical pain, but reject it when it’s emotionally charged? We fight our pain, we ignore how we really feel and distract ourselves to suppress till we end up suffering.

What happens when we recognize our feelings and allow them to be felt? When we become aware of the changes without attaching our self-worth to them?

For about a year I have been heavily working on healing myself. With this comes a lot of feeling into old wounds and transmuting them with compassion. It also entails developing new habits that align towards working on what you’re becoming aware of, instead of falling victim to the story like before.

I say all this to say that this is where you gain from the pain. (I had an aha moment with the quote “no pain no gain” haha). Ultimately that change is making space for something new, and I’m a firm believer that it’s always for your greatest good.

Change is uncomfortable, but it’s also inevitable. This time, try to ease into your pain instead. Ask yourself what you are feeling and why. Feel it in your body, and then, most importantly, let it go.

I apologize if the flow of this is confusing or if certain things need to be elaborated on. Please let me know if there are any questions or thoughts. I love discussing sensibilities. I’m still getting into the swing of this blogging thing, and trying to figure out what needs to be said is daunting. While this is a write up of my internal dialogue, I want to make sure it can be comprehended because the purpose is to help others and not just myself. Thanks for being here!

With love,

– alle rae

Honey lately, I’ve been angry.

Lately,  I have been going up and down with the emotions of anger. Literal anger, not frustration or irritation, which sometimes parades around like anger for me. This feeling has been very strong–I want to say radiant. Unable to be mistaken and is alive in every part of my body. It is loud and will stay until it gets confronted face to face. It has been interesting for me to try to conceptualize myself as someone who could even feel anger. What does that mean? What does that look like?

The anger is showing me a lot. I’m learning that to let it, I have to remain available. This post is a reminder to myself and to whoever wants it to be.

When you feel angry Remember to:

  1. Take a Step Back: Feel the feeling as it comes, ask yourself why am I feeling this (instead of reacting or projecting)
  2.  Breathe (deeply) : Use your breath to come back to the center, to quiet your mind so you can listen to yourself
  3. Create: do something that you like to help move the energy, write, talk to yourself, sing, dance. something

 

It’s funny how the things in life come together. I learned to practice these three things in very separate ways yet they all connect now to help me grow in a new way. How could I not be grateful? Thanks for being here.

with love,

-alle rae

A Foray into Blogging

hi. This is my official, unofficial, first post! Welcome to my blog Presentalle.

With slight homage to the word “presently” and a slighter shoutout to my being, this is what I’m trying to do here and in life. To be more vulnerable and meet each moment, each person (myself included), and each situation as is.

I have had a lot of issues with trying to control things in the past but learning to let go, accept, and trust have been a reoccurring theme for me for a while now.  I’ve noticed the more I surrender the more everything works out and better than expected. So I’m surrendering to my passions and my curiosity.

From a young age I have been keenly attracted to self-introspection. I’ve searched and searched for resources and perspectives that offer light and love, and I often incorporate whatever resonates. My intentions are always to heal and grow and have a damn good time.

so here on this blog, I want to share that journey with you! You can expect it through waves of poetry, photography, and recounts of my personal experiences, plus some practical help, like recommendations in books, videos, podcast, information, etc.

My hope is that you can sense how much more connected we all are and decide to love and laugh instead.

-with love,

alle rae