Back to you

you too, are a meduim

so go

so flow

you don’t need beliefs to find yourself

just remember

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recluse

she feels so stuck. only here she feels free. but she’s trying to move away from the absolutes. she clings to their frigidity, their motionless and unwavering spirit. she strives to be like them. strong. frim in their decisions of extremity.  analyzing the grey space is tiring. she tells herself to keep breathing but she feels like the air isn’t circulating properly. her lungs are whispering: open

her bones are shaking and her fears are right in front of her

she won’t let them win because she never does. but what is never, if it really means sometimes?

how absolute is absolute anyways?

 

To you

I don’t think any of my friends, family, or loved ones really, read this extension of my mind. Which is okay, I don’t expect anyone to. But I wanted to write this for them..

So if you’re reading, and you love me, this is to you…

most times I’m thinking of you

sorrowed and trying

to muster up the love

i know you care to hear from me

or at least i think

because

i think for both of us

and most days I’m changing

and i haven’t the heart to

let you see me

broken as i am

but i love you

i love you

i love you

You don’t have to try so hard to try so hard.

Every now and then, I use to tell myself this affimation about being enough. A couple of days ago, I realized that wasn’t the correct truth for me. My problem wasn’t feeling like I wasn’t enough. I felt like I was too much, and in response, I shrank myself and hid, for so long.

When I was a little girl I used to get called a brat all the time.  One day after my Mom said it, it became okay to repeat by my brothers. So anytime I would disagree, or stand my ground and express my feelings, I would get called a brat. I remember how much I would fight back saying I wasn’t, that brats are spoiled and I was nowhere near that. I hated being called a brat. I knew that I was not selfish and hard to manage as a child or anything the word implies. I knew that I cared a lot and I went around negotiating so much with others needs and energies that it hurt that no one realized that, and called me a brat instead. I began to feel like a burden.

Peeling back the layers to my true self-worth, I have to realize and accept, that I am not a burden. I am not too much. My inner child is worthy. I AM worthy. I am worthy just for existing. I don’t have to try so hard to try so hard, and you don’t either. Just be. All the desires of our hearts are already ours. Thanks for being here. ❤

with love

-alle rae